I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
