I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
