it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
