Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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