My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
