i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
