hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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