My friends, they love my intelligence
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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