So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
