I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
