im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
