Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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