On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize