I am midnight drunk by noon
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
