Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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