Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
