omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
