Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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