Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
