What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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