So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
