She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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