i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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