it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
