He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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