i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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