There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
