Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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