My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
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