You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
