id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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