She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
