"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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