GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
