i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
