Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
