Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
