i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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