Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
