EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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