I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She's the barista slut.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
