I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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