My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize