White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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