Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
