so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
