Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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