Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Success! We fucked roommates!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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