you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
