You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
