My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
