I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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