so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
