dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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