At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
