it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
