I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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