Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
